my birfday clusterfuck was a success! first, it started off with this:
LeVar has always been my homeboy, love that man to bits. Such a nice man and so supportive.
After receiving a whopping 200+ facebook well-wishes and 100+ twitter well-wishes (you guys are the apple of my eye), it was time to make my milkshake bring all the boys to the yard.
aw yeeeeah. blue steel.
andrew is great because he knew next to nobody at this party other than me and quickly became the life of it. he’s pretty chill when it comes to working a room and making everyone lurve him.
i honestly don’t mind getting older, in fact, i rather enjoy it. Life feels more immediate. I’m taking nothing for granted, and i don’t sweat the small stuff.
Yaw is another one of those characters that everyone quickly and easily loves. And he is, as my friend teresa would say, a “4 B.” What’s a 4 B?
NEVER YOU MIND.
I think I am more nervous than I care to admit, because right before the party, I was having a little hissy-girly-wank-fest-fit. I became all cranky and moody because I received like 20 messages from people saying they were bailing on my party. I really need to grow thicker skin and a stiff upper lip. As soon as the room filled with my lovelies, all those ornery thoughts were shoved out of the way.
rob, dave, and trevor are the NEW charlie’s angels … rob can be farrah fawcett. HA!
shasheena brought me a gorgeous orchid! i was in awe of its beauty. i am notoriously horrid with plant-care, i never know how much light or water to give them, but i am going to put in my grade-A effort to keep this wild orchid reaching for the sky.
oh for the love of…
i adore my wife SO HARD. she’s so kind and so giving and so selfless.
and she’s got a butt that won’t quit.
hashtag WINNING.
sacha was clearly looking in the wrong direction when this photo was taken.
aw bless.
i can’t remember exactly what was being said here that i found so hilarious …. but it was clearly hella-funny. maybe we were talking about how my child-bearing years are now over. FUNNY. oh hai brennan!
chris is such a good photographer because he butters you up right before he snaps your photo, and makes you feel beautiful even if you have chocolate cake in your teeth and eye-makeup-goop in the corner of your eye. right before he snapped my pic, he said “christine you don’t have a bad angle, i never have to retouch your photos.” aw shucks, what a manufactured lie, but i will believe anything you tell me as long as it’s a compliment!
go team!
teresa is one of the few people still in my life from high school, i shaved the rest of ‘em out years ago. she makes the cut because she’s kind and brave and sweet and is too nice for her own good. her laugh is infectious and she never has a mean thing to say about the people she loves. oh and because she’s known me for so long, not only has she seen me change, she has LET me change. that’s the greatest thing a friend can do.
palm to palm is holy palmers kiss.
andrew and sofi are now each other’s back-up. in ten years time, expect to see little PapDonalds running around.
woah dave! was this taken at my party, or is it your official headshot for Ocean’s 14?
Scarbage high school girls unite! And we bring the street cred. The only people who spend FIVE YEARS in a Scarborough high school and make it out ALIVE are the tough-as-nails ones.
maybe when the timing is right, ashley and yaw will get married and their children will run the country on a platform of red-lipped smiles and huge biceps for everyone.
*this* close to seeing up allegra’s skirt. dammit.
laugh now, but one day, we’ll be in charge.
this photo is all lips and locks.
yes, it’s true. i gave in to peer pressure and took a sip of champagne.
EVERYBODY SHIT THEMSELVES.
This is probably my favourite photo of the night.
i refuse to have a party without hot men peppering the crowd.
“so i says to mable, i says…”
two men and a lil’ lady.
i supplied my own birfday cake and that sounds kinda sad, but i was rather chuffed with the results. choco cake with almond-milk frosting! i do good work.
reg was so funny. she’s lighting the candles, and because the match burns her skin, she ends up dropping the candle aflame onto the cake. so to prevent the cake from catching fire, she blows out all the candles. WIFEY STOLE MY BIRFDAY CANDLE WISH!
Porno for pyros.
“happy birfday to meee!”
as many of you know, i am full of hot air.
my mouth is huge.
hey fellas! use your imagination!
one year older, one year wiser.
I had a divine birfday weekend, fanks to all my lovely friends for coming out and blessing me with your presence!
You are the people i admire, i appreciate, i adore, i love …. and that i would (separately, at one time or another) like to smack the shit out of.
i shant reveal my age here (a lady never does), but i will say that i am still younger than Jesus.
PAR-TAY!
I won’t be blogging until next week because this weekend i’m having a clusterfuck-shitstorm-extravaganza to kibosh all previous birfdays. if you’re a friend of mine, not an asshole, and live in the greater toronto area, you can come along.
let’s celebrate the day of my birth, aka the last time i saw female genitalia.
but hey, the night is young ….
also celebrating a birfday today: jon bon jovi, daniel craig, bryce dallas howard, dr seuss, jessica biel, and chris martin.
on valentines day, NOW magazine had all these virgin mobile inserts you see here inside each copy. like little love/hate notes to give to your loved one/breaking-up-with one. so my friend andrew and i were hanging at Tequila Bookworm, picking out leaflet after leaflet from the NOW stack and just blowing these cards away at each other. we were literally pissing with laughter, i think the other tables thought us mad. great way to blitzkrieg the afternoon.
that convenience store crack is a reference to a convo andy and i were having about this author i know. she’s japanese and sold her book to a publisher that used to buy only korean authors, but they changed the name of their publishing house so instead of “korean” it now says “variety.” so andrew quipped that it sounds like she sold her book to a convenience store. i PMSL. mostly because i hate her writing. she’s a nice lady, but her voice is trite and her talent is questionable. rant over. testing testing is this thing on?
this last one, he decided to write a sincere, nice one.
awww. happy valentine’s bud.
speaking of valentines, i was hanging out one-on-one with a man that i’ve kinda been playing a dance with for a little while now, ever since i saw him in a play and told him i liked his performance. then he got back to me and we kinda started talking. no big deal, but i guess something started to take hold, because he wanted to yap over coffee. so we did and it was lovely. super cool guy, we were having a nice long chat about theatre and life in toronto versus life in london (he lived there toooooooo!) and craigslist’s missed connections section, when this kid at the next table, who couldn’t have been more than 22, got up, interrupted us, and said, “i overheard your conversation about people in toronto not talking to anyone and about all the missed connections, so i thought i’d ask you out. i like your style.”
and i just look at the man sitting across from me, and then to the boy with the stretched earlobe piercings flopping down to his shoulders, and wanted to stab myself with a fork.
“ewm…erm…i…i…i…waa…..uh…orm…..flerrrrn…” is i think what came out of my mouth. i was rendered absolutely speechless.
MOR.TI.FIED.
i couldn’t exactly say, “i’m with this man, sorry,” because we were just meeting for an innocent cuppa and i didn’t know if he’d freak out if i used him as an excuse (although he did tell me later that i could’ve said that, dammit). and the kid just wouldn’t stop trying to chat me up right in front of my coffee-partner! AWKWARD.
i took the kids number in an effort to get rid of him and to shut him up, nonetheless he wanted to stay and talk ignoring that i was clearly with someone else.
i guess that’s what i get for shooting my mouth off loud enough for people to hear.
anyhoo, the man in question and i moved cafes to another joint, and talked for about 3 hours. then he invited me to his one-man show over the weekend. it was actually more of a cabaret style performance. great showtunes and songs, piano music, stories and anecdotes about love, french pastries and wine, art on the walls, it was really something.
and his personal stories….they were funny, they were poignant….i got a little emotional.
during intermission, his old school teacher, who was sitting next to me, hovers over me and asks in a sing-songy voice, “are you his girlfriend?!”
i think i replied something along the lines of “ewm…erm…i…i…i…waa…..uh…orm…..flerrrrn….”
you see this here passport. i’ve blogged about this several times before. bought the passport back in september when it first got started.
AND LOOKY WHO JUST COMPLETED IT! in truth, most of the work was done in october, i was going to a new cafe like EVERY DAY in october cuz i was house sitting for max in parkdale and could just hop on my bike wherever i wanted when i was bored and enjoy a free cuppa with this pass.
so favourite cafe discoveries? most of them were in the east end, a place most torontonians, for some reason, stay away from. go east, people, that place is hyyyype.
why were these ones the pitts? mostly because, although competent roasters, i didn’t like the vibe or sense of community (lack thereof) of the cafes. some cafes, although with nice decor inside and situated in good locations, don’t exactly have a nice, cosy, creative, inspiring vibe to them. they’re just kinda soul-less. linuxcaffe however, has a great vibe, but it’s on the shits list because my computer was hacked whilst using their unsecure-no-password-free-wifi (dude who hacked it sent me an email from my email account telling me he’d hacked it). mayjah stock plummeted as a result.
the indie coffee passport expires march 31st, so if you’re so inclined, there’s still time to buy one (from any of the cafes participating in it) and see for yourself. discover a new cafe. try a new drink. see if you can complete the passport like i did. toward the end of my indie coffee passport journey, every barista was inspecting my card and going “wow. this is the fullest card i’ve seen yet. you’ve checked out some great places.”
damn straight. buzz is they’ll do this passport dealie again next fall. suggest your favourite indie cafe to be added to the list!
again, another one of my tweets has gone viral. a few days ago, when the libyan clusterfuck hindenburg’d tripoli and gaddafi took to the airwaves for his shitstorm speech that bored everyone to death, i tweeted this. as you can see, it was RT’d 245 times within a few hours. i swear, sometimes the power of the internet surprises and shocks me. you say something, and if you have enough people paying attention, your ideas can reach out far beyond your initial estimation.
anyway, Gaddafi, you’re so old, you look like a klingon taking a shit.
it’s my birfday this week oh gawd i’m turning thirrrrrrrrrrrty. you know, the only thing i don’t like about turning 30 is the way it sounds. people don’t like admitting their age because they don’t like how it sounds to others, but really, on the inside, i feel great. i actually ENJOY getting older. life feels more immediate. when i younger i was wracked with insecurities and i took so much for granted. now that i’m older, my problems are deeper, but i’m better equipped to handle them. i’m also filling each day with as much as i can, trying to enjoy all the people and the experiences that come into my life. people lie about their age because they’re worried about how OTHER people will perceive them and their station in society. but i know i look great (no wrinkles, no gray hair!), that most people mistake me for early twenties, that i haven’t lost my youthful vigour and enthusiasm, and i can’t imagine anything that will.
that being said, I am still technically 29 until March 2nd, dammit.
so i had a boozy brunch at the Gladstone Hotel to celebrate the milestone.
so i was a bit worried at first that the 20-person-table i reserved at the Gladstone wouldn’t be filled because everyone kept bailing on me at the last minute (one of my friends actually messaged me to say he couldn’t make it because he had to “go to the gym.” people are such tools). but slowly the place started to fill with all of my lovely mates and we ended up having such a great time…until….
…..i’ve mentioned in a previous post how there was this guy, this really ugly-sex guy that i made out with at sofi’s party a couple weeks ago, and how i’d probably have to start avoiding his calls, and texts. boy have i ever. not only has the dude been incessantly leaving me voicemails, or texting me, but he’s also been leaving me so many FB messages.
“hey sexy how are you?” “hey what’s going on gorgeous?” “have i told you how beautiful you are yet today?”
barf. i mean, these types of messages would be welcome if they weren’t from someone who looked like if you told him to go fuck himself, he’d give it a shot.
dude is terrifying.
and you would think that after all of his messages that i’ve been ignoring, he’d read between the lines and TAKE A HINT but no. if the situation were reversed, and i kept texting and calling and FB messaging some guy with no response, i’d be labeled a “needy, desperate chick.” but when a guy does it, he’s just “assertive.’
plus, it’s not like i can be at all flattered by his attention, seeing as how i’ve heard through the grapevine that he’s been sending the exact same messages to other girls that he fancies. dude got out of a relationship recently, is obviously hurting, and now wants to be a man-whore with whoever he can find. but he probably shouldn’t be doing it with people who KNOW his ex-girlfriend.
so during the course of my boozy-brunch, when i’m having such a great time with my friends, and catching up, and being all squealy (i’m a squealer), guess who AMBUSHES it.
the look on my face clearly was one of shock and utter horror. WHO DOES THAT? who shows up, unannounced and clearly uninvited to someone’s birthday for the sole purpose of ambushing them. oh you won’t answer my desperate messages? guess i’ll go ruin your birthday!
and seeing as how we have some mutual friends (they’re MY friends, and his acquaintances-not-really), and they don’t know that he aggressively tried it on with me, they all starred at me when he arrived, wondering what the fuck he was doing there. and clearly when my look of oh-fuck-now-i-have-a-situation-on-my-hands burned across my cheeks, they probably knew something was up, and i will now hafta field some uncomfy questions.
KEITH YOU RULE AT PHOTOBOMBS! oh hai jess and soph!
i was angry, i was mortified, but mostly i wanted to clobber him. if i had done that to a boy who was ignoring my texts, i’d be seen as a crazy psycho stalker.
so when most of my friends had left, he pulled me aside and asked “why are you ignoring meeeeeeeeee?” wah wah wah, i’ll call the waaaaaaaaaaaambulance, dude.
do you really think you’re irresistable, you twat.
so in my most gentle voice that i usually reserve for 4-year-olds, i told him that getting it on with some bloke who used to date a girl i know isn’t for me. again, i assumed that by telling him this, he could read between the lines that I’M NOT INTERESTED. you are a douchey imbecile of the lowest order and you behave like a wife-beater.
instead, a few hours later after leaving, he sends me this FB message:
It was great to see you today. That dress looks exquisite on you, and makes your skin look delicious.
Thanks for filling me in, I must say I was disappointed I never heard from you. I was really excited to see you.
Anyway shhhhh…. discretion is the key:) I think your super sexy, wicked smart, and I like your style girl.
All the best babe.
regurgitate! regurgitate! we bring up all the food we ate! vee-ohh-emm-eye-teee VOMIT
that’s the crazy stalker ugmo ambusher. blurred for his anonymity and to protect his privacy. grossssss.
so i wrote back angrily and said that i’m glad we cleared things up, BUT MY BIRTHDAY WAS NOT THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO DO IT, you ruined my day.
ass.
and i don’t drink. ever. anyone who knows me, knows that i don’t touch alcohol. it’s just not my thing. but keith bought me a shot. so i downed it.
grant me patience. but please hurry.
i went to the press screening for Funkytown, a Canadian film in both english and french about montreal in the 1970s during the golden days of disco, and how different lifestyles of excess lead to the destruction of some, and the career-catapult for others. it stars Patrick Huard from Bon Cop Bad Cop fame. i think what i really liked about this film is it accurately portrayed the montreal that i grew up in (although i wasn’t alive in the 70s, the 80s did look and feel a lot like this). i really miss my life in quebec. just hearing the quebecois accent made me all giggly and googly-eyed. and now i wanna watch Lance et Compte.
on valentines day, NOW magazine had all these virgin mobile inserts you see here inside each copy. like little love/hate notes to give to your loved one/breaking-up-with one. so my friend andrew and i were hanging at Tequila Bookworm, picking out leaflet after leaflet from the NOW stack and just blowing these cards away at each other. we were literally pissing with laughter, i think the other tables thought us mad. great way to blitzkrieg the afternoon.
that convenience store crack is a reference to a convo andy and i were having about this author i know. she’s japanese and sold her book to a publisher that used to buy only korean authors, but they changed the name of their publishing house so instead of “korean” it now says “variety.” so andrew quipped that it sounds like she sold her book to a convenience store. i PMSL. mostly because i hate her writing. she’s a nice lady, but her voice is trite and her talent is questionable. rant over. testing testing is this thing on?
this last one, he decided to write a sincere, nice one.
awww. happy valentine’s bud.
speaking of valentines, i was hanging out one-on-one with a man that i’ve kinda been playing a dance with for a little while now, ever since i saw him in a play and told him i liked his performance. then he got back to me and we kinda started talking. no big deal, but i guess something started to take hold, because he wanted to yap over coffee. so we did and it was lovely. super cool guy, we were having a nice long chat about theatre and life in toronto versus life in london (he lived there toooooooo!) and craigslist’s missed connections section, when this kid at the next table, who couldn’t have been more than 22, got up, interrupted us, and said, “i overheard your conversation about people in toronto not talking to anyone and about all the missed connections, so i thought i’d ask you out. i like your style.”
and i just look at the man sitting across from me, and then to the boy with the stretched earlobe piercings flopping down to his shoulders, and wanted to stab myself with a fork.
“ewm…erm…i…i…i…waa…..uh…orm…..flerrrrn…” is i think what came out of my mouth. i was rendered absolutely speechless.
MOR.TI.FIED.
i couldn’t exactly say, “i’m with this man, sorry,” because we were just meeting for an innocent cuppa and i didn’t know if he’d freak out if i used him as an excuse (although he did tell me later that i could’ve said that, dammit). and the kid just wouldn’t stop trying to chat me up right in front of my coffee-partner! AWKWARD.
i took the kids number in an effort to get rid of him and to shut him up, nonetheless he wanted to stay and talk ignoring that i was clearly with someone else.
i guess that’s what i get for shooting my mouth off loud enough for people to hear.
anyhoo, the man in question and i moved cafes to another joint, and talked for about 3 hours. then he invited me to his one-man show over the weekend. it was actually more of a cabaret style performance. great showtunes and songs, piano music, stories and anecdotes about love, french pastries and wine, art on the walls, it was really something.
and his personal stories….they were funny, they were poignant….i got a little emotional.
during intermission, his old school teacher, who was sitting next to me, hovers over me and asks in a sing-songy voice, “are you his girlfriend?!”
i think i replied something along the lines of “ewm…erm…i…i…i…waa…..uh…orm…..flerrrrn….”
you see this here passport. i’ve blogged about this several times before. bought the passport back in september when it first got started.
AND LOOKY WHO JUST COMPLETED IT! in truth, most of the work was done in october, i was going to a new cafe like EVERY DAY in october cuz i was house sitting for max in parkdale and could just hop on my bike wherever i wanted when i was bored and enjoy a free cuppa with this pass.
so favourite cafe discoveries? most of them were in the east end, a place most torontonians, for some reason, stay away from. go east, people, that place is hyyyype.
why were these ones the pitts? mostly because, although competent roasters, i didn’t like the vibe or sense of community (lack thereof) of the cafes. some cafes, although with nice decor inside and situated in good locations, don’t exactly have a nice, cosy, creative, inspiring vibe to them. they’re just kinda soul-less. linuxcaffe however, has a great vibe, but it’s on the shits list because my computer was hacked whilst using their unsecure-no-password-free-wifi (dude who hacked it sent me an email from my email account telling me he’d hacked it). mayjah stock plummeted as a result.
the indie coffee passport expires march 31st, so if you’re so inclined, there’s still time to buy one (from any of the cafes participating in it) and see for yourself. discover a new cafe. try a new drink. see if you can complete the passport like i did. toward the end of my indie coffee passport journey, every barista was inspecting my card and going “wow. this is the fullest card i’ve seen yet. you’ve checked out some great places.”
damn straight. buzz is they’ll do this passport dealie again next fall. suggest your favourite indie cafe to be added to the list!
again, another one of my tweets has gone viral. a few days ago, when the libyan clusterfuck hindenburg’d tripoli and gaddafi took to the airwaves for his shitstorm speech that bored everyone to death, i tweeted this. as you can see, it was RT’d 245 times within a few hours. i swear, sometimes the power of the internet surprises and shocks me. you say something, and if you have enough people paying attention, your ideas can reach out far beyond your initial estimation.
anyway, Gaddafi, you’re so old, you look like a klingon taking a shit.
it’s my birfday this week oh gawd i’m turning thirrrrrrrrrrrty. you know, the only thing i don’t like about turning 30 is the way it sounds. people don’t like admitting their age because they don’t like how it sounds to others, but really, on the inside, i feel great. i actually ENJOY getting older. life feels more immediate. when i younger i was wracked with insecurities and i took so much for granted. now that i’m older, my problems are deeper, but i’m better equipped to handle them. i’m also filling each day with as much as i can, trying to enjoy all the people and the experiences that come into my life. people lie about their age because they’re worried about how OTHER people will perceive them and their station in society. but i know i look great (no wrinkles, no gray hair!), that most people mistake me for early twenties, that i haven’t lost my youthful vigour and enthusiasm, and i can’t imagine anything that will.
that being said, I am still technically 29 until March 2nd, dammit.
so i had a boozy brunch at the Gladstone Hotel to celebrate the milestone.
so i was a bit worried at first that the 20-person-table i reserved at the Gladstone wouldn’t be filled because everyone kept bailing on me at the last minute (one of my friends actually messaged me to say he couldn’t make it because he had to “go to the gym.” people are such tools). but slowly the place started to fill with all of my lovely mates and we ended up having such a great time…until….
…..i’ve mentioned in a previous post how there was this guy, this really ugly-sex guy that i made out with at sofi’s party a couple weeks ago, and how i’d probably have to start avoiding his calls, and texts. boy have i ever. not only has the dude been incessantly leaving me voicemails, or texting me, but he’s also been leaving me so many FB messages.
“hey sexy how are you?” “hey what’s going on gorgeous?” “have i told you how beautiful you are yet today?”
barf. i mean, these types of messages would be welcome if they weren’t from someone who looked like if you told him to go fuck himself, he’d give it a shot.
dude is terrifying.
and you would think that after all of his messages that i’ve been ignoring, he’d read between the lines and TAKE A HINT but no. if the situation were reversed, and i kept texting and calling and FB messaging some guy with no response, i’d be labeled a “needy, desperate chick.” but when a guy does it, he’s just “assertive.’
plus, it’s not like i can be at all flattered by his attention, seeing as how i’ve heard through the grapevine that he’s been sending the exact same messages to other girls that he fancies. dude got out of a relationship recently, is obviously hurting, and now wants to be a man-whore with whoever he can find. but he probably shouldn’t be doing it with people who KNOW his ex-girlfriend.
so during the course of my boozy-brunch, when i’m having such a great time with my friends, and catching up, and being all squealy (i’m a squealer), guess who AMBUSHES it.
the look on my face clearly was one of shock and utter horror. WHO DOES THAT? who shows up, unannounced and clearly uninvited to someone’s birthday for the sole purpose of ambushing them. oh you won’t answer my desperate messages? guess i’ll go ruin your birthday!
and seeing as how we have some mutual friends (they’re MY friends, and his acquaintances-not-really), and they don’t know that he aggressively tried it on with me, they all starred at me when he arrived, wondering what the fuck he was doing there. and clearly when my look of oh-fuck-now-i-have-a-situation-on-my-hands burned across my cheeks, they probably knew something was up, and i will now hafta field some uncomfy questions.
KEITH YOU RULE AT PHOTOBOMBS! oh hai jess and soph!
i was angry, i was mortified, but mostly i wanted to clobber him. if i had done that to a boy who was ignoring my texts, i’d be seen as a crazy psycho stalker.
so when most of my friends had left, he pulled me aside and asked “why are you ignoring meeeeeeeeee?” wah wah wah, i’ll call the waaaaaaaaaaaambulance, dude.
do you really think you’re irresistable, you twat.
so in my most gentle voice that i usually reserve for 4-year-olds, i told him that getting it on with some bloke who used to date a girl i know isn’t for me. again, i assumed that by telling him this, he could read between the lines that I’M NOT INTERESTED. you are a douchey imbecile of the lowest order and you behave like a wife-beater.
instead, a few hours later after leaving, he sends me this FB message:
It was great to see you today. That dress looks exquisite on you, and makes your skin look delicious.
Thanks for filling me in, I must say I was disappointed I never heard from you. I was really excited to see you.
Anyway shhhhh…. discretion is the key:) I think your super sexy, wicked smart, and I like your style girl.
All the best babe.
regurgitate! regurgitate! we bring up all the food we ate! vee-ohh-emm-eye-teee VOMIT
that’s the crazy stalker ugmo ambusher. blurred for his anonymity and to protect his privacy. grossssss.
so i wrote back angrily and said that i’m glad we cleared things up, BUT MY BIRTHDAY WAS NOT THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO DO IT, you ruined my day.
ass.
and i don’t drink. ever. anyone who knows me, knows that i don’t touch alcohol. it’s just not my thing. but keith bought me a shot. so i downed it.
grant me patience. but please hurry.
i went to the press screening for Funkytown, a Canadian film in both english and french about montreal in the 1970s during the golden days of disco, and how different lifestyles of excess lead to the destruction of some, and the career-catapult for others. it stars Patrick Huard from Bon Cop Bad Cop fame. i think what i really liked about this film is it accurately portrayed the montreal that i grew up in (although i wasn’t alive in the 70s, the 80s did look and feel a lot like this). i really miss my life in quebec. just hearing the quebecois accent made me all giggly and googly-eyed. and now i wanna watch Lance et Compte.
OH YES YES YA’LL, the showdown of the fuckin year was last night, the biggest clusterfuck i have ever had the misfortune of attending, but like an adult and trooper that i am, i stuck it out cuz it was one of my besties birthday and i love her so i endured the evening with the biggest measure of dignity i could muster.
but some people of the crew….not so much.
here’s how it all started:
last summer, it was Janine’s (not her real name, name has been changed to protect her privacy) birthday. I attended. We had a lovely time. I brought my camera. I took photos. The next day I posted the photos on Facebook. I tagged Janine in these photos.
AND SHE FUCKING FLEW INTO A RAGE BECAUSE I TAGGED HER IN THE PHOTOS.
i shit you not, that’s exactly what happened. her message to me accused me of taking pleasure in tagging her in bad photos, accused me of being a malicious person for taking the photos in the first place, and she concluded the message by speaking to me as if i was a hired hand.
SHOOT ME IN MY FUCKING FACE! I ADMIT IT, YOUR HONOUR! I TAGGED THE PHOTOS! CUT MY FUCKING SACK OFF PLEASE! HOW DARE I!
seeing as how i’m an adult and i don’t have the time, energy or patience for the raging insecurities of girls stuck in high school drama mode, i didn’t bother responding to anything she said. in fact, we haven’t spoken since. which is unfortunate. all she had to do the subsequent times she has seen me since that incident was say, “look chris, things were said, i’m sorry, let’s just move forward.” and i would have been “cool.” i would have respected her immensely if she had just had the balls to come and talk to me. but no, Janine likes to play the victim, and she’s never wrong in her mind, so that never happened.
seriously janine, who the fuck do you think you are?
so fast forward to last night. it was Ruby’s birthday (again, name change. privacy protected!) i adore Ruby and think she’s an incredible and lovely person, so even though i knew bat-shit-crazy Janine would be there, there was no way i was going to miss Ruby’s big night. also, Ruby had alerted me earlier in the night that Colin (name change) would be in attendance. Colin is a guy i had a fickle fling with last year, all very light and breezy. we had had a good time, no biggie, and we still talk occasionally on good terms, so i didn’t mind at all that Colin was coming. I was surprised though because he lives in New York and Miami, so I didn’t even know he was in town. His appearance was all very last minute.
so first part of Ruby’s birthday was the dinner portion. she had reserved us two tables at Salt (ps the service here was absolutely SHIT. i’m not a restaurant reviewer so i won’t go into further details, but just expect that if you dine here, the experience will be less than stellar). Ruby and some of her mates, including Janine, sat at one table, and I sat at the table other table with Ruby’s brother Gus (name change), Laila (name change) and her boyfriend, Colin, and Leo (name change).
the dinner was actually quite enjoyable. Mostly because i felt like i was sitting at the adult table. The age of our table was relatively older than the other, so the conversation was a healthy blend of intelligence and fun debauchery. Colin sat next to me and some stuff happened under the table cloth, but for the most part, we behaved ourselves. Colin told me has a girlfriend now, which i kinda suspected from all the photos of him and a girl on FB. and i didn’t even really intend for anything between him and i to happen, i just figured we’d have a laugh, enjoy the night, and that would be that.
so after dinner, we had an hour to kill before the club we were heading to was to open, so we walked down ossington to Watusi (been there twice before, and really like it). this is when Janine, who was by this point, hammered out of her gord, and coked-up off her tits, started stirring drama shit that was so beyond the melodrama of bad soap opera. she was a one-woman show making an ass of herself, and trying to drag everyone down with her.
Claire (name change) is a lovely girl in our crew that i’ve met several times before and every time i see her, we always have lovely chats. So we’re at Watusi and Claire and i start yapping about the plethora of mutual interests we have. We’re having a really pleasant convo, but at almost every turn, Janine is interrupting is with “Claire! Come take a photo with meeeee!”
“Claire! Come over here to me and get a drink!”
”Claire! Come outside with me and have a smoke!”
to anyone who endured snobby venom bitches in front of your lockers in high school, you know exactly what Janine was trying to do here. but Claire, who is nothing but a lady, told Janine each time, “No, i’m okay, I’m chatting with Christine, thanks.”
so Claire and i continue to have a really great convo for the remainder of the hour, and walk arm in arm together to Brooklyn’s where Ruby’s party continued on the dance floor.
so the alcohol is flowing, most of us are having a good time, the rest of our crew shows up and we’re all drinking and dancing and taking photos. Colin and I disappeared at one point into the men’s washroom where we had some fun in the stalls. even thought Colin was waaaaaaaaaaaaasted, he said some really nice things to me which made me feel good. even though we just fancy each other physically but nothing more, it was nice to hear him say things about me that i don’t think a lot of people recognize. or so i thought.
we return back to our tables, having been caught by someone from our crew anyway (you shoulda seen his face), and continue to dance and gab and have fun.
then i had to disappear for 45 minutes to move my car otherwise it would get towed. i think Colin thought i had left and therefore decided to pull some shit.
i return and he didn’t see me.
so he and Janine started playing tonsil hockey.
right in front of my face.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
no we’re not together, so i don’t care who you throat-fuck, just don’t do it RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE DUDE. HOW FUCKING TACKY ARE YOU?
and of course, he throat-fucks the girl with plastic for brains. the one girl i can’t fucking stand. it’s okay cupcake, you wanna be a scavenger, go ahead! ENJOY MY SLOPPY SECONDS! he’s all yours, but $20 says you can’t have him.
then i hear stories that he’s been feeling up, groping, and kissing almost all the girls there. i don’t know why he was doing that to every girl there, but i would assume it’s an ego thing. it’s a “see-i-can-get-any-gal-i-want” type of thing. Ruby’s brother Gus had to pull Colin aside three times to tell him to cool it because he was pissing off a lot of people. Gus and Colin are good friends, have been for twenty years. so you would think Colin would listen to Gus.
it finally came to a head when Colin grabbed Debbie’s (name change) crotch. Debbie has a boyfriend who was there. Debbie started screaming and crying her eyes out. So Colin legged it and wasn’t seen again for the rest of the night.
what a fucking winner.
Gus was mortified. Gus apologized profusely to Debbie and her boyfriend, and told me that he felt responsible because Colin is his best mate. But colin’s actions are his own. Gus kind of suspected all night that stuff was going on between me and Colin, so i told him the full story.
and then told him the nice things that Colin had said me to me in the men’s stalls. and i asked, “Gus should I believe him? if you were me, would you believe what he said?”
and Gus just shook his head no.
Gus then added, “I love Colin, but after tonight, it’s obvious he has issues. yes he’s wasted, but i’m wasted too, you don’t see me grabbing people’s crotches. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind tomorrow, what he did tonight was really not cool.”
and it didn’t end there. so as i was trying to introduce Debbie to my friend Misty (name change), Janine AGAIN interjects and won’t even let me talk to Debbie to make an introduction.
my dignity and resolve cracked, i had been holding it together all night, i lost it for a second.
I gave janine the middle finger and told her to fuck right off. she then, in her high-pitched supersonic voice that could scare the rats right out of your walls, tried to tell me that everyone there hates me and that i should just leave. i laughed in her face, it seriously was the MOST HIGH SCHOOL THING I’VE EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY.
this girl is FOREVER-90210 in her coked-up brain.
on top of that, considering everyone was shit-talking her behind her back to me, i knew it was a load of trash.
so i got up and moved away from her. i went right up to Ruby and Gus and apologized for my outburst. ruby then whispered in my ear, “Janine is my best friend, but she’s acting so stupid. You’re so cool Chris. Seriously, you’re so cool. What’s she’s doing is not cool.” So Ruby and I and Ruby’s new boyfriend Ferry (name change) moved down the bar together so I could cool down. I needed a few hugs really. After the shitstorm with Colin and my outburst with Janine, i just needed a hug.
So my bestie Reg (i don’t need to change her name, you all know her and love her, and she’s always there for her friends so she deserves a mega-shout-out), who had gone outside for a smoke, comes back in and i tell her what just happened. and she goes “janine is causing shit with everybody tonight.” and i’m like, “what do you mean?”
turns out, Janine had actually TAKEN A HISSY FIT AT CLAIRE because earlier in the night claire and i had been talking. janine ACTUALLY did that. because *GASP* claire is an adult and decided to have a nice convo with me, janine flew off the handle and ripped into her, saying things like “you’re MY friend! how dare you have a mind of your own and talk to people that i don’t approve of! YOU WILL DO AS I SAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.”
i was absolutely horrified, so i went up to Claire and apologized because i felt like that way partly my fault. Claire said she was okay, that she doesn’t take sides, and that she doesn’t do this kind of drama. but she also admitted that a few weeks ago, when Ruby and Janine had had a disagreement (big shocker, janine just loves to stir shit up), Claire had been the receiving end of Janine’s wrath again for talking to Ruby during their fight. Janine had basically said “DON’T TALK TO RUBY, YOUR’E MY FRIEND NOT HERS!’
so now that this was happening again, Claire was just not interested in indulging Janine’s neurotic psychoses.
at some point in the night, we all figured Janine had left, and we all HEAVED A COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF. gus and ruby and claire and i were still hitting up the dancefloor and having a much better time. most of our crew had left already as it was well past 2am by this point. then Natalie (name change) who had just gotten off work showed up. I’ve met Natalie before, she’s prolly one of the most gorgeous girls i’ve ever seen in my life. the night i met her last year, she had this red dress on and she has these killer legs, so i was all OMG GIRL CRUSH. plus her boyfriend owns a radio station, and that station interviewed me on-air back when my play went up in September, so we’re all kinda 6-degrees-of-kevin-bacon. in addition, i had been stalking her FB just recently, going through her photos and being like, “this is what a hot girl looks like. take mental notes, chris!”
i even told her that (#facepalm).
so with the addition of natalie, we were all having a great time until 3am rolled around, the lights came up, and the bar shut down. as we’re putting on our jackets and heading to Leo’s house for some after-hours, the bouncer comes up to us and goes “there’s this girl JANINE at the door who left and wants to get back in.”
and we all kinda frowned and sighed. oh shit, the trainwreck has returned.
so as we’re milling about, it’s decided that Leo, Claire, and Natalie will come in my car to Leo’s. as natalie and i are chatting, Janine DOES IT AGAIN butts her ice-pick face in and shoves me out of the way so that i can’t speak to natalie and hogs her away from me.
again, being an adult, i just laughed and turned to my friends who were getting tired of her antics. so we step outside and are heading to my car, when JANINE BULLDOZES NATALIE OVER and says loud enough for everyone to hear “no you can’t get in her car! don’t you dare go with her! you’re my friend, listen to me! I’M NEEDY AND REQUIRE YOUR CONSTANT ATTENTION.”
but natalie is like Claire and i, and doesn’t do drama bullshit. so she told her to calm down. Janine then actually tried to come with leo and claire and i, but i told her, “there’s no room for you (AND YOUR EGO) in my car.” so she cleared off, but not before, dragging natalie away with her.
so leo and claire and i get in my car and we drive up to Leo’s afterhours house. in the car, claire and i are frankly sick of Janine’s bullshit and how she’s playing this victim card, when really she’s the one stirring up shit in the first place.
we arrive at Leo’s, and discover that Ruby’s houseguest from outta town has passed out in the lobby of Ruby’s apartment, where the police have been called. the cops have called Ruby and said that if she doesn’t come get her SHE’LL BE ARRESTED.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON TONIGHT!!!!!
So ruby and Gus hop in their car and disappear to collect her houseguest. Seriously, Ruby’s birthday has turned into the biggest HURRICANE KATRINA and there’s still more to come.
at Leo’s, Janine is continuing her tirade to Claire and Natalie for DARING to even talk to me. Claire, who has been a stoic trooper all night, enduring Janine’s shitstorm with class, reached her breaking point, and gave Janine a piece of her mind before breaking into tears. she had also misplaced her purse so she was stressed out to begin with. we found her purse but the damage was done. she sat on the sofa and cried while natalie and i tried to calm her down.
but Janine wasn’t done. i had my back turned to her, but she kept calling my name
CHRISTINE!
CHRISTINE!
ESTIMA!
ESSSSSSSSTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
of course i didn’t even turn around to acknowledge her. i didn’t respond to a single thing she said about me to other people, loud enough for me to hear, so why would i even respond to her when she was calling my name?
I’M SORRY CUPCAKE, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY AWESOMENESS.
i’m an adult. no room for 12 year old pricks in my world.
so I offer to drive Claire and Misty and Natalie home because they were all clearly upset with Janine and were not having fun anymore and they all just wanted to go home. Janine, needy and insecure again, kept telling them NO DON’T GET IN HER CAR, DON’T GO WITH HERRRRRR YOU’RE MYYYYYY FRIEND and they were so fucking fed up, they whispered to me, “let’s run out the door, hurry up let’s go!”
So we leave janine behind at leo’s and run out to my car. Natalie is mortified, Misty is bewildered, and Claire just wants to go to sleep. As we’re in the car, Janine actually CALLS NATALIE for more of her bullshit, and natalie goes, ‘there is no way i can answer this call. i just can’t deal with her right now.” and let’s it go to voicemail.
so it’s almost 4am by this point. we’re cold. we’re tired. we’re sick of this shit. i drop them off one by one and we hug and kiss and thank each other for being so cool.
but not before one last fucktard rears their ugly head.
as i’m dropping natalie off last, my phone rings.
IT’S COLIN.
he asks what i’m doing. i tell him i can’t talk cuz i’m driving and will get a ticket. he says, ‘okay come to my hotel’ and gives me his address.
i pause. for like a nanosecond.
“actually colin, i’m just gonna go home.”
he takes the hint well.
“ok ok.” and he hangs up.
i tell natalie, and she’s just like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.
oh cripes, how i wish i were.
i actually was close to crying by that point, but i was more angry than i was sad, so i held it together. with one phone call, my last strands of resolve were being stripped away.
i finally stumble home sometime past 4am.
crawl under the covers.
praying for the kryptonite of sleep.
this morning, i wake up to a cheerful phone call from Colin, saying he doesn’t remember a thing, he doesn’t even remember leaving the club, and asks what we got up to last night.
i was still half asleep as we were talking this morning, and he was heading to the airport anyway to fly back to Miami, so i wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying. but i don’t care how wasted he was last night, this whole i-don’t-remember-what-happened schtick doesn’t fly with me. how stupid do you think i am?
it’s sad, cuz i thought he was cool.
our conversation this morning was pleasant, but i have no clue how to approach him as a friend anymore.
so on the phone, i wished him a safe journey home. and that was that.
OH YES YES YA’LL, the showdown of the fuckin year was last night, the biggest clusterfuck i have ever had the misfortune of attending, but like an adult and trooper that i am, i stuck it out cuz it was one of my besties birthday and i love her so i endured the evening with the biggest measure of dignity i could muster.
but some people of the crew….not so much.
here’s how it all started:
last summer, it was Janine’s (not her real name, name has been changed to protect her privacy) birthday. I attended. We had a lovely time. I brought my camera. I took photos. The next day I posted the photos on Facebook. I tagged Janine in these photos.
AND SHE FUCKING FLEW INTO A RAGE BECAUSE I TAGGED HER IN THE PHOTOS.
i shit you not, that’s exactly what happened. her message to me accused me of taking pleasure in tagging her in bad photos, accused me of being a malicious person for taking the photos in the first place, and she concluded the message by speaking to me as if i was a hired hand.
SHOOT ME IN MY FUCKING FACE! I ADMIT IT, YOUR HONOUR! I TAGGED THE PHOTOS! CUT MY FUCKING SACK OFF PLEASE! HOW DARE I!
seeing as how i’m an adult and i don’t have the time, energy or patience for the raging insecurities of girls stuck in high school drama mode, i didn’t bother responding to anything she said. in fact, we haven’t spoken since. which is unfortunate. all she had to do the subsequent times she has seen me since that incident was say, “look chris, things were said, i’m sorry, let’s just move forward.” and i would have been “cool.” i would have respected her immensely if she had just had the balls to come and talk to me. but no, Janine likes to play the victim, and she’s never wrong in her mind, so that never happened.
seriously janine, who the fuck do you think you are?
so fast forward to last night. it was Ruby’s birthday (again, name change. privacy protected!) i adore Ruby and think she’s an incredible and lovely person, so even though i knew bat-shit-crazy Janine would be there, there was no way i was going to miss Ruby’s big night. also, Ruby had alerted me earlier in the night that Colin (name change) would be in attendance. Colin is a guy i had a fickle fling with last year, all very light and breezy. we had had a good time, no biggie, and we still talk occasionally on good terms, so i didn’t mind at all that Colin was coming. I was surprised though because he lives in New York and Miami, so I didn’t even know he was in town. His appearance was all very last minute.
so first part of Ruby’s birthday was the dinner portion. she had reserved us two tables at Salt (ps the service here was absolutely SHIT. i’m not a restaurant reviewer so i won’t go into further details, but just expect that if you dine here, the experience will be less than stellar). Ruby and some of her mates, including Janine, sat at one table, and I sat at the table other table with Ruby’s brother Gus (name change), Laila (name change) and her boyfriend, Colin, and Leo (name change).
the dinner was actually quite enjoyable. Mostly because i felt like i was sitting at the adult table. The age of our table was relatively older than the other, so the conversation was a healthy blend of intelligence and fun debauchery. Colin sat next to me and some stuff happened under the table cloth, but for the most part, we behaved ourselves. Colin told me has a girlfriend now, which i kinda suspected from all the photos of him and a girl on FB. and i didn’t even really intend for anything between him and i to happen, i just figured we’d have a laugh, enjoy the night, and that would be that.
so after dinner, we had an hour to kill before the club we were heading to was to open, so we walked down ossington to Watusi (been there twice before, and really like it). this is when Janine, who was by this point, hammered out of her gord, and coked-up off her tits, started stirring drama shit that was so beyond the melodrama of bad soap opera. she was a one-woman show making an ass of herself, and trying to drag everyone down with her.
Claire (name change) is a lovely girl in our crew that i’ve met several times before and every time i see her, we always have lovely chats. So we’re at Watusi and Claire and i start yapping about the plethora of mutual interests we have. We’re having a really pleasant convo, but at almost every turn, Janine is interrupting is with “Claire! Come take a photo with meeeee!”
“Claire! Come over here to me and get a drink!”
”Claire! Come outside with me and have a smoke!”
to anyone who endured snobby venom bitches in front of your lockers in high school, you know exactly what Janine was trying to do here. but Claire, who is nothing but a lady, told Janine each time, “No, i’m okay, I’m chatting with Christine, thanks.”
so Claire and i continue to have a really great convo for the remainder of the hour, and walk arm in arm together to Brooklyn’s where Ruby’s party continued on the dance floor.
so the alcohol is flowing, most of us are having a good time, the rest of our crew shows up and we’re all drinking and dancing and taking photos. Colin and I disappeared at one point into the men’s washroom where we had some fun in the stalls. even thought Colin was waaaaaaaaaaaaasted, he said some really nice things to me which made me feel good. even though we just fancy each other physically but nothing more, it was nice to hear him say things about me that i don’t think a lot of people recognize. or so i thought.
we return back to our tables, having been caught by someone from our crew anyway (you shoulda seen his face), and continue to dance and gab and have fun.
then i had to disappear for 45 minutes to move my car otherwise it would get towed. i think Colin thought i had left and therefore decided to pull some shit.
i return and he didn’t see me.
so he and Janine started playing tonsil hockey.
right in front of my face.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
no we’re not together, so i don’t care who you throat-fuck, just don’t do it RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE DUDE. HOW FUCKING TACKY ARE YOU?
and of course, he throat-fucks the girl with plastic for brains. the one girl i can’t fucking stand. it’s okay cupcake, you wanna be a scavenger, go ahead! ENJOY MY SLOPPY SECONDS! he’s all yours, but $20 says you can’t have him.
then i hear stories that he’s been feeling up, groping, and kissing almost all the girls there. i don’t know why he was doing that to every girl there, but i would assume it’s an ego thing. it’s a “see-i-can-get-any-gal-i-want” type of thing. Ruby’s brother Gus had to pull Colin aside three times to tell him to cool it because he was pissing off a lot of people. Gus and Colin are good friends, have been for twenty years. so you would think Colin would listen to Gus.
it finally came to a head when Colin grabbed Debbie’s (name change) crotch. Debbie has a boyfriend who was there. Debbie started screaming and crying her eyes out. So Colin legged it and wasn’t seen again for the rest of the night.
what a fucking winner.
Gus was mortified. Gus apologized profusely to Debbie and her boyfriend, and told me that he felt responsible because Colin is his best mate. But colin’s actions are his own. Gus kind of suspected all night that stuff was going on between me and Colin, so i told him the full story.
and then told him the nice things that Colin had said me to me in the men’s stalls. and i asked, “Gus should I believe him? if you were me, would you believe what he said?”
and Gus just shook his head no.
Gus then added, “I love Colin, but after tonight, it’s obvious he has issues. yes he’s wasted, but i’m wasted too, you don’t see me grabbing people’s crotches. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind tomorrow, what he did tonight was really not cool.”
and it didn’t end there. so as i was trying to introduce Debbie to my friend Misty (name change), Janine AGAIN interjects and won’t even let me talk to Debbie to make an introduction.
my dignity and resolve cracked, i had been holding it together all night, i lost it for a second.
I gave janine the middle finger and told her to fuck right off. she then, in her high-pitched supersonic voice that could scare the rats right out of your walls, tried to tell me that everyone there hates me and that i should just leave. i laughed in her face, it seriously was the MOST HIGH SCHOOL THING I’VE EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY.
this girl is FOREVER-90210 in her coked-up brain.
on top of that, considering everyone was shit-talking her behind her back to me, i knew it was a load of trash.
so i got up and moved away from her. i went right up to Ruby and Gus and apologized for my outburst. ruby then whispered in my ear, “Janine is my best friend, but she’s acting so stupid. You’re so cool Chris. Seriously, you’re so cool. What’s she’s doing is not cool.” So Ruby and I and Ruby’s new boyfriend Ferry (name change) moved down the bar together so I could cool down. I needed a few hugs really. After the shitstorm with Colin and my outburst with Janine, i just needed a hug.
So my bestie Reg (i don’t need to change her name, you all know her and love her, and she’s always there for her friends so she deserves a mega-shout-out), who had gone outside for a smoke, comes back in and i tell her what just happened. and she goes “janine is causing shit with everybody tonight.” and i’m like, “what do you mean?”
turns out, Janine had actually TAKEN A HISSY FIT AT CLAIRE because earlier in the night claire and i had been talking. janine ACTUALLY did that. because *GASP* claire is an adult and decided to have a nice convo with me, janine flew off the handle and ripped into her, saying things like “you’re MY friend! how dare you have a mind of your own and talk to people that i don’t approve of! YOU WILL DO AS I SAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.”
i was absolutely horrified, so i went up to Claire and apologized because i felt like that way partly my fault. Claire said she was okay, that she doesn’t take sides, and that she doesn’t do this kind of drama. but she also admitted that a few weeks ago, when Ruby and Janine had had a disagreement (big shocker, janine just loves to stir shit up), Claire had been the receiving end of Janine’s wrath again for talking to Ruby during their fight. Janine had basically said “DON’T TALK TO RUBY, YOUR’E MY FRIEND NOT HERS!’
so now that this was happening again, Claire was just not interested in indulging Janine’s neurotic psychoses.
at some point in the night, we all figured Janine had left, and we all HEAVED A COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF. gus and ruby and claire and i were still hitting up the dancefloor and having a much better time. most of our crew had left already as it was well past 2am by this point. then Natalie (name change) who had just gotten off work showed up. I’ve met Natalie before, she’s prolly one of the most gorgeous girls i’ve ever seen in my life. the night i met her last year, she had this red dress on and she has these killer legs, so i was all OMG GIRL CRUSH. plus her boyfriend owns a radio station, and that station interviewed me on-air back when my play went up in September, so we’re all kinda 6-degrees-of-kevin-bacon. in addition, i had been stalking her FB just recently, going through her photos and being like, “this is what a hot girl looks like. take mental notes, chris!”
i even told her that (#facepalm).
so with the addition of natalie, we were all having a great time until 3am rolled around, the lights came up, and the bar shut down. as we’re putting on our jackets and heading to Leo’s house for some after-hours, the bouncer comes up to us and goes “there’s this girl JANINE at the door who left and wants to get back in.”
and we all kinda frowned and sighed. oh shit, the trainwreck has returned.
so as we’re milling about, it’s decided that Leo, Claire, and Natalie will come in my car to Leo’s. as natalie and i are chatting, Janine DOES IT AGAIN butts her ice-pick face in and shoves me out of the way so that i can’t speak to natalie and hogs her away from me.
again, being an adult, i just laughed and turned to my friends who were getting tired of her antics. so we step outside and are heading to my car, when JANINE BULLDOZES NATALIE OVER and says loud enough for everyone to hear “no you can’t get in her car! don’t you dare go with her! you’re my friend, listen to me! I’M NEEDY AND REQUIRE YOUR CONSTANT ATTENTION.”
but natalie is like Claire and i, and doesn’t do drama bullshit. so she told her to calm down. Janine then actually tried to come with leo and claire and i, but i told her, “there’s no room for you (AND YOUR EGO) in my car.” so she cleared off, but not before, dragging natalie away with her.
so leo and claire and i get in my car and we drive up to Leo’s afterhours house. in the car, claire and i are frankly sick of Janine’s bullshit and how she’s playing this victim card, when really she’s the one stirring up shit in the first place.
we arrive at Leo’s, and discover that Ruby’s houseguest from outta town has passed out in the lobby of Ruby’s apartment, where the police have been called. the cops have called Ruby and said that if she doesn’t come get her SHE’LL BE ARRESTED.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON TONIGHT!!!!!
So ruby and Gus hop in their car and disappear to collect her houseguest. Seriously, Ruby’s birthday has turned into the biggest HURRICANE KATRINA and there’s still more to come.
at Leo’s, Janine is continuing her tirade to Claire and Natalie for DARING to even talk to me. Claire, who has been a stoic trooper all night, enduring Janine’s shitstorm with class, reached her breaking point, and gave Janine a piece of her mind before breaking into tears. she had also misplaced her purse so she was stressed out to begin with. we found her purse but the damage was done. she sat on the sofa and cried while natalie and i tried to calm her down.
but Janine wasn’t done. i had my back turned to her, but she kept calling my name
CHRISTINE!
CHRISTINE!
ESTIMA!
ESSSSSSSSTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
of course i didn’t even turn around to acknowledge her. i didn’t respond to a single thing she said about me to other people, loud enough for me to hear, so why would i even respond to her when she was calling my name?
I’M SORRY CUPCAKE, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY AWESOMENESS.
i’m an adult. no room for 12 year old pricks in my world.
so I offer to drive Claire and Misty and Natalie home because they were all clearly upset with Janine and were not having fun anymore and they all just wanted to go home. Janine, needy and insecure again, kept telling them NO DON’T GET IN HER CAR, DON’T GO WITH HERRRRRR YOU’RE MYYYYYY FRIEND and they were so fucking fed up, they whispered to me, “let’s run out the door, hurry up let’s go!”
So we leave janine behind at leo’s and run out to my car. Natalie is mortified, Misty is bewildered, and Claire just wants to go to sleep. As we’re in the car, Janine actually CALLS NATALIE for more of her bullshit, and natalie goes, ‘there is no way i can answer this call. i just can’t deal with her right now.” and let’s it go to voicemail.
so it’s almost 4am by this point. we’re cold. we’re tired. we’re sick of this shit. i drop them off one by one and we hug and kiss and thank each other for being so cool.
but not before one last fucktard rears their ugly head.
as i’m dropping natalie off last, my phone rings.
IT’S COLIN.
he asks what i’m doing. i tell him i can’t talk cuz i’m driving and will get a ticket. he says, ‘okay come to my hotel’ and gives me his address.
i pause. for like a nanosecond.
“actually colin, i’m just gonna go home.”
he takes the hint well.
“ok ok.” and he hangs up.
i tell natalie, and she’s just like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.
oh cripes, how i wish i were.
i actually was close to crying by that point, but i was more angry than i was sad, so i held it together. with one phone call, my last strands of resolve were being stripped away.
i finally stumble home sometime past 4am.
crawl under the covers.
praying for the kryptonite of sleep.
this morning, i wake up to a cheerful phone call from Colin, saying he doesn’t remember a thing, he doesn’t even remember leaving the club, and asks what we got up to last night.
i was still half asleep as we were talking this morning, and he was heading to the airport anyway to fly back to Miami, so i wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying. but i don’t care how wasted he was last night, this whole i-don’t-remember-what-happened schtick doesn’t fly with me. how stupid do you think i am?
it’s sad, cuz i thought he was cool.
our conversation this morning was pleasant, but i have no clue how to approach him as a friend anymore.
so on the phone, i wished him a safe journey home. and that was that.
I can't wear white without spilling something on it
Christine Estima
As a half-Portuguese, half-Lebanese, feminist, vegetarian, pacifist, fag-hag, novelist, hipster, atheist, shit-disturber, blogger, backpacker, playwright, bookworm, film critic, and lovertine, I began my journey of petulance and precociousness in the suburbs of Montreal and Toronto. I thusly figured I'd turn out to be a nun, or a writer. A few years at a Catholic school cured me of the first disease.
I cannot wear white without spilling something on it, but you'll still find me, most likely, in the fridge at 4am.
