"Blogging isn't journalism, it's graffiti with punctuation."

One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they’ll know that you and I were made for this

so this post will be a big, histrionic, melodramatic, waxing-philosophical, girlie-gusher, wank-fest, so log off if you can’t take some saccharine female hormones motor-boating you in the face RIGHT NOW.

lately all i’ve been blogging about is industry industry industry, writing writing writing, tiff tiff tiff, but i’ve had the most surreal 24 hours. it’s all coming out now.

so last night one of my besties Reg invited me out to a Masquerade Ball at the Rivoli (photos to come later), so i showed up wearing my saturday best, and naturally, a mask or two. everyone there was wearing the most elaborate and delicate masks, feathers and diamonds and colours and swirls. arlecchino and il dottore and pulcinella and commedia dell’Arte burning my brain while the raucous bands hyped the place into a frenzy

sometime past 3am i stumbled home in my aching stiletto’d arches, collapsing. i flip on the laptop to check messages before i crash, and i get an instant message on FB from a flash from the past.

about 19 years ago, when i was 10, and still living in rural quebec where there were no curbs on the roads and the closest thing to local entertainment was either the smoked-meat shop or the depanneur, i went to school with a boy named scott. this kid who habitually wore black and had an endearing gap in in front teeth, bullied the fuck outta my ass.

for regular readers of this bloggasm, you’ll remember that i’ve spoken before about being considered an oddity in rural quebec with my dark, pronounced features, and was therefore teased to shreds. i grew up from this young age thusly believing i was ugly. i would say, up until i was about 22 or 23, i still earnestly believed i was the ugly girl with the great personality (as explained in Shallow Hal, ugly girls have to develop a personality for survival, whereas pretty girls never had to). i thought i should just take whatever offers were tossed my way, because i wasn’t worth much, and who would want to be with an ug-mo like me anyway.

and even presently, if i’m having a bad day, odds are i’ll feel this way still. lately a lot of my friends have been telling me that i need to STOP DEFLECTING compliments and just accept them with a thank you. i feel like if i accept a compliment on my appearance, that’s being presumptuous and pompous, because really, who the fuck thinks i’m pretty?

back to scott – all this self-hating behaviour of mine started with him. he teased and bullied me every day, constantly. i couldn’t sit quietly in class or out in the schoolyard and mind my own business, he’d come find me. they said i was asking for it, being the way that i was, standing out so much. that i brought it on myself.

even though this all happened almost 20 years ago, and i’d like to think that i’ve dealt with the past, i will never forget one of the most horrible things scott said to me.

i’ve never blogged about what he exactly said before. but i will now.

one day on the school bus home in the afternoon, in front of the rowdy crowds of kids in the seats and aisles, scott said to me, “christine, when you were born, god thought your face was your cunt, so he put hair all over it.”

and as i sat there, absolutely capsized and devastated, crying my eyes out, and the kids around me roared with laughter, scott then went on to proclaim, “i just made that up!”

that’s right. he was simply proud of the fact that it was an off-the-cuff remark.

and completely oblivious to how it would shape my self-perception for the better part of 15 years.

i’ve blocked out a lot of what i went through as a little girl, but i’ll never forget that moment in my life.

so back to last night, having just escaped from the ball where everyone was putting on airs and hiding behind masks, and scott starts chatting with me on FB chat. here’s an edited excerpt:

Scott
 some  dont realize all that matters is happiness, and great people sharing a great life experience
(sorry my spelling im typing fast) 8)

02:57Moi
that’s okay



02:57Scott
and I realize so many things
i remember your sister came and bitched me out in front of the school bus one time…
… i was a dick to u as a kid
dont know why.. kids are crule..

02:58Moi
OMG you still remember that? i remember that too

02:58Scott
im sorry
funny how we grow and realize things.. maybe i identifed with u so was crule

02:58Moi
fanks for that. you did make me cry on more than one occasion, it’s true, but it was almost 20 years ago, i’m over it

02:58Scott

i know, i remember and still feel like shit

02:59Moi
i was always confused by you

02:59Scott
i like to think i am a good person, generous, loveing but man enough to see the mistakes ive made and learn from them

03:17Scott
proud to see u doing well

03:17Moi
that’s sweet of u

03:17Scott
its nice to talk to old friends ho are doing well

03:17Moi
i’m sure lots of old  peeps are doing well

03:18Scott
i really miss those days

03:18Moi
i really DON’T

03:18Scott
LOL
I am sure u dont
we all go through “periods”

03:20Scott
back them i was super ‘COOL’ because before i came to Allencroft in grade 5 i lived in Dorval, my mom worked two jobs was super stressed and .. well, was kinds a loner, shy.. bad home situation.. then she married and things were great, my step father was awesome, i hgot all cocky.. new school, new man.. then .. well life happens.. things changed, and in hind site (always 20/20) realized i became all i hated for years

03:22Scott
(rerading that sounds like my mom – i was the shy loner..)
then i was so cool
then in high school, i was “tuff” always fought but
who was really my friend
think more people feared me then liked me
then at a stage in life u realize, who cares what others think – be man enough to be youself, have compassion and be real
…. here i am

03:23Moi
i’m glad you went through that transformation
if you dont mind me saying, you were really something in those days….and mean as a snake

03:24Scott
honestly
i look back
and i dont know why but I think i mostly mean to u

03:25Moi
oh yes i remember. i was your main target from 1991-1993

03:25Scott
dont remember being too mean to anybody.. one guy.. we’re actually friends today and u
i never forgot
i carry it with me too
i dont know whats worse , being that guy – as a child to a child.. or being the man who knows and remembers and lives with it

03:26Moi
i know what’s worse

03:26Scott
im really sorry.. i see u online, have touched base from time to time and cant help but remember what a fucking crule fuck i was
super hard
i have hopes for a family, and what i want for them
if my son ever came home and i heard the shit i put you through.. i dont know, cant explain the disapointment i would feel

03:27Moi
do you know why you targetted me?

03:27Scott
honestly..
now i think i do.. then no way i knew why….
remember i said before allancroft i grew up in struggle, single mom and all..
i think my crulty had to do with my subconsious
i saw we were similar.. and at that time i was riding high on my new found “life’ being someone/something I never was untill then
i was against you because i saw myself in you.. look at what we are doing with our lives.. are we that different? or more alike then most people in those classrooms..
our connection made defensive.. made me push u away because i knew u were just like me.. and for whatever reason “vee” and “tervor” were too cool .. and were agaist people, so i joined the team
weak move

03:31Moi
i was confused by you because when you first came to allancroft, i thought you fancied me. i remember at a school dance you asked to dance with me and was disappointed when you couldn’t find me for that dance….then you started hating on me

03:31Scott
follower move
i feared what i saw in u
ME

03:32Scott
AH HA!
See
thats it
why did i like u?
u saw it too
then, i turned on u
to this day i am a little “proud”
u remember that, did not tthink u did
i did
so, i targeted u

..
03:34Moi
i remember everything, my friend

03:36Scott

sorry … i really am, and I remember too.. not proud of those situations.
i HATE crule people!
HATE HATE HAT!
So weak and easy to be rule.. but really all it shows is someones own weakness, and pathetic insecurities

03:38Moi
you don’t have to keep apologizing, it’s fine. it was almost 20 years ago….but i will say that i think those years impacted my life more than i care to admit….i think my entire teenage years were affected by it, and early adulthood too
but i’m a big girl
i know who i am
and exactly who i’m becoming
and that little girl isn’t me anymore

03:40Scott
WAIT! OMG.. I never told u how i made it “right” for me

03:41Scott
ok, so a few years ago i meet this girl.. complicated situation, the dtails are a story in and of itself.. but she is SHIT, but im stupid and so the story goes…..
i was traped in an unhealthy relationship, mainly because she was a nightmare but her mother and father were teachers and really understood me
so…
a year and a half ago or maybe two her mother tells me “i see you’re great with kids” come meet my grade 6 class
.. follow me not even kidding she teaches grade 6 in laval
so i go to carnival as an “supervisor” for x-mas
they kids and i hit it off, so i go back in January for Pizza day, then Peb for snow carnival… all to lead up to the grad class trip to Ottawa in May
3 day over night trip.. ME with KIDS!
We stay at the old jail house in Ottawa, it was awesome, bowl, go to the pool, musems the whole 9…..
and as i watch this class, i see us all
i see each and everyone of our charectures in these kids
i see me, vee, trevor, you and EVERYONE
and realize it never changes, there is the rude kid, the shy kid, the crule kid etc
and i saw u
honestly i saw u
and u know what


03:46Moi
what

03:47Scott
i saw that u were exactly as i remember u..
but from a mans eyes
i had all the wisdon of experience, looking at myself and our class as an adult.. i saw why i was the way i was and realized that we were the only ones who did not see.. because we were kids
read about children…
what do u do to the girl next door if u like her?
Pull her hair
i saw how the “scott” kid acted with the “christine”
and i told him why, then he blushed and left her alone
i saw me talking to me about u.. 15 years too late

03:50Moi
wow….that’s incredible.
i always thought you’d forgotten about all this stuff. it was only 2 school years.
usually the bullies don’t think much of the people they hurt, it’s the kids who were bullied that remember everything

03:53Scott

honestly i probably think about it more then u.. its never ok
and although u lived through it.. i have to live with it.. not to say i am the victim, u are, but i can never take it back,, just accept when i look in the mirror what i was, its haunting

03:57Moi
i live with it everyday. to this day i have trouble accepting compliments because i still think people see me as the ugly girl that you knew all those years ago
i don’t believe people when they say i’m pretty

03:58Scott
you’re beautiful
u always were
you’re beautiful
i cant change the past.. but at least i can explain myself
the problem was never u.. it was me

so after a few pleasantries, we log off sometime past 4am and i get five hours sleep.

i wake up this morning sometime around 9am, get a phone call from my buddy Nus to attend a Cirque Du Soleil show in the afternoon, which i happily accept. we meet up early in the morning and having brunch at eggspectation on yonge street. over egg white omelettes  and grapefruit-halves, we launch into a political debate about religion and the mayoral race and bike lanes and vegetarianism (all hot topics where anyone could easily fly off the handle). we agree and disagree on several things, not really a big deal, but Nus has this way of saying things that in an absolutist way seem to negate the veracity what i have just said….which is fine i guess, that’s how debates go.

but for some reason, i end up close to tears in the end and have to pull my moronic shit together. after the really emotional (or rather “emo”) FB chat the night before which left me bleary-eyed and red-nosed, and then suddenly feeling like i’m under scrutiny during sunday brunch, i just couldn’t take it anymore. all the old feelings of being inferior and not-worthy just started surfacing.

luckily Nus and i move beyond it quickly, and i manage to suck it up before the waterworks.

as we leave, he puts his arm around me for a cuddle, apologizing if he’s upset me, and once in the theatre, he tickles my chin, tells me that i am a beautiful girl, and i need to be okay with that.

we sit and watch cirque du soleil, and it’s a vaudevillian-inspired piece with acrobatics, kitschy songs, razz-ma-tazz dances, comedy routines and mild profanity. everyone is wearing costumes, shaking their limbs, with contortionists juggling bodies in elaborate makeup with spotlights and strobes and confetti and slight of hand.

it’s all a song and dance in colourful digs.

5 responses

  1. You are beautiful, brave, smart and amazing and I love you for sharing this shit. That is all.

    September 21, 2010 at 5:53 AM

  2. You are beautiful, brave, smart and amazing and I love you for sharing this shit. That is all.

    September 21, 2010 at 5:53 AM

  3. Followed the link here from your latest… It must take courage to put something like this on your blog. I think you’re full of courage, inspiration, and beauty. If I ever meet you on the street, be prepared to receive a giant high five from me.

    September 9, 2011 at 2:32 PM

  4. Pingback: and you’re draped on him while you’re staring at me «

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