corner of mentana and mont royal, montreal.
i need to rant about something so please indulge me.
yesterday i’m having a long-overdue catch-up and cuppa with a girlfriend of mine that i haven’t seen since before new years, and i’m describing to her in the most animated language (because, of course, i’m naturally animated. ya’ll know me) about a recent clusterfuck that i endured with some losers. we were in a crowded coffee shop with a screaming espresso machine (or is that the cappuccino maker? i have no clue what it is in the cafes that makes that squelching noise) that was drowned out only by the blaring music pumping over the speakers and the noise of other patrons. so i didn’t think anyone was actually listening to me.
truth be told, i wasn’t even aware of other people around me, because i was invested in talking to a friend.
suddenly this hag who looked like she was way past her expiry date turns around and sneers, “can you watch your language, there are children here!”
shocked, i looked at my friend, and we exchanged a nervous giggle because we didn’t expect that.
suddenly the mother with 3 screaming children sitting behind me starts to grunt and roar like a sea monster, “it’s actually not funny….”
i didn’t hear the rest because i continued to talk to my friend, ignoring the unnecessary scene that they were trying to cause in the cafe. i don’t have time to indulge in other peoples leotarded crusades. but through my conversation, i can hear the ornery old battleaxe behind me grabbing her kids and saying something like “let’s switch seats so they can’t hear her” or something like that. i dunno, i really didn’t pay attention.
i always find it FUCKING HILARIOUS when people get offended by things that happen in public places.
first of all, you tired goat, if you don’t want your kids to hear profanity, then next time either reserve the whole cafe for yourself, or DON’T BRING THEM TO PLACES WHERE ADULTS CONGLOMERATE. you’re in a public place, fuckface (hey, that rhymes!).
secondly, all you had to do was politely come up to me and ask me courteously to keep it to a minimum. snapping at people while sporting a face that looks like a collapsed scrotum isn’t constructive and will get you no where. clearly, you don’t give a shit if you’re kids learn manners. i actually didn’t realize other people could hear me above the noise! i was honestly oblivious! and i wasn’t swearing directly at anybody or trying to be malicious. instead of addressing me like i’m a fucking convict, maybe try to treat other people the way you want your kids to be treated, hmm?
furthermore, it is not my responsibility to raise your kids! i’m in a public place, i’m talking to my friend, i’ll swear all i damn well please. when i was a little girl, you know where i learned swear words? not from adults. ON THE FUCKING PLAYGROUND AT SCHOOL. your kids probably already know all the profanities in the world, don’t take your disdain for that fact o’life out on me.
if you don’t want your kids to hear swear words, i would suggest pulling them from school, banishing the internet, television, radio, movies, all books, the street, the playground, buses, subways, all stores and shops, magazines, libraries, public pools, beaches, parks, theatres, rec centres, and of course, cafes and restos.
i swear (pun intended), parents can be the most obnoxious members of society. puritanical, elitist, and hyped up on some kind of moral authority. just because you have a stroller doesn’t mean you can monopolize the sidewalk or the elevator or the bus! keep to the side, and fold that shit up! don’t bring your kids to public places where adults hang! tell them to shut the fuck up in cinemas and to put their goddamn feet down.
and for the love of all things sacred, DON’T BRING THEM ON AIRPLANES AND SEAT THEM RIGHT BEHIND ME.
next time i see a child, i’m going to punch them right in the schnozz to save time.
ha! kidding!
(not kidding)
as you can tell, i may be 30 years old, but i’m not jonesing for motherhood or rugrats any time soon. i’m pretty sure my biological clock is being drowned out by the sound of YOUR SCREAMING KIDS.
last year, my friend casie stewart blogged about a similar disdain she had for other people’s kids, and the internet (and some former muchmusic VJs, of all people) gave her shit for it. i, on the other hand, applauded her for saying something us childless members of society have been feeling for a long time but feel pressured to keep to ourselves because *gasp* how could we?!
omg there’s a woman who has an opinion on children? and it’s NOT “they are the future?“
EVERYBODY SHIT THEMSELVES.
this may anger a few of my readers, but quite frankly, my dear….
